reminder to myself what having a baby around is REALLY like for when i ponder having more

because seriously, you get so far into this raising a child thing and it’s insane how much you forget about what it was like 3 months ago, and even at 9 1/2 months i can barely remember the reality of having a newborn. so this is for me, if i ever get the hankering for another baby, to remind me what i’m in for so that if i do decide it’s worth it i won’t get to sit around saying “i don’t remember it being this hard!” 

because it is. it’s hard. but you know that. and i know it’s cliched but you never get exactly how hard it is until you’re in it. if you had asked me when my baby was 3wks or 3 months old if it was hard i would have said “nah, it’s what you expect. it’s alot of work, but it’s totally worth it!”and it is, And It IS.

but even being less than a year removed the not so awesome parts are starting to fade in my memory (mommy amnesia and whatnot) so i want to recall and record whatever i can remember while i still can.

i had a remarkably easy delivery and recovery and i’m pretty sure the odds are low on getting the same thing the second time around so should i do this again i need to factor in that it will likely be MORE difficult/taxing, especially in those first few weeks when you’re juggling a newborn and a crucial recovering body part.  i’ve also had an incredibly easy tempered baby. sure he cried, sometimes i thought it would never end, but he slept alot and early on. i feel like i haven’t had to do as much of the work that most moms do as my baby has just done most of it on his own and i just follow his lead. i realize how lucky i am.

anyway… after giving birth you come home from the hospital where you got to sleep (they gave you sleeping pills) and you could talk with your husband and your friends (they watched your baby) and then call for your baby when you felt like it. so you get home with this infant and you’re refreshed and ready to take it all on. and those first 2 weeks - they’re cake really. i mean, sure, you have little to no sleep but the baby eats and poops and that’s about it.

then that first 2wk-sleep-through-any-and-every-thing coma wears off and HOLY MOLY what is happening?! suddenly the baby cries, and they don’t stop crying until you go through a rigmarole of ridiculous and extreme things and then they’re finally sleeping and, praisejesus, you can put them down and get something done but sadly 45 minutes later it starts all over again.  yes, you’re still deliriously happy and on your new parent high staring at this gorgeous creature that you can’t bare to take your eyes off of (even when you should be sleeping, or eating, or using the bathroom, you just can’t stop watching them breathe, everything they do is adorable and amazing) and before you know it days have passed and you haven’t showered, haven’t left the house, haven’t eaten or drank nearly enough to keep breastfeeding and stay awake.  this isn’t just crazy parents, it happens to everyone at some point in time and for some length of time. It Just Happens. time starts moving at warp speed and you feel like you’re standing still while everything blurs by.  eventually you catch up, you learn to balance all your spinning plates.

sidenote: when i was pumping/attempting to make breastfeeding work i didn’t wear a shirt for days in a row. we also didn’t have the right shades on our first floor windows and the neighborhood boys may have seen me walking around topless for a few months but i didn’t care - it was worth it to not deal with the pain of putting a bra/shirt on.

and then it gets better/easier. okay, so you haven’t slept more than 4(3?) hours at a time in a month but ohmygosh do you love this child so you don’t even realize it.  you just adapt. even so, there will be days when you lose it because you haven’t slept or eaten properly. days when you cry alot or you have a short fuse with the helpless baby, but that’s when you call in friends or loved ones like they tell you to. and sometimes your loving husband will gently remind you that “you can’t be mad at him. he’s not doing it on purpose.”  and you’ll know it’s true but oh man you still just want that baby to realize they’re acting inappropriately and they need to rethink their behavior before they really piss off their mama.

eventually (if you’re lucky) you’ll figure out what gets that baby to sleep every time and you just keep up that rhythm. even if it means swinging him in your arms as hard as possible for as long as it takes (until it feels like your knees will snap) for him to stop crying and close his eyes and then you’ll know you have to go AT LEAST 5 more minutes like that before you can put him down and he’ll stay asleep - 4 minutes and you have to start all over. and at the time all of this is necessary you don’t even realize how much work you’re putting into it day and night. you’re just doing what you have to do, doing what you silently agreed to when you decided to have a baby.

and then months go by, each day you’ll love where your baby is at this stage in their life and you’ll think “this will always be my favorite age” and then 2 weeks later you think “THIS is my favorite age!” and so on (so far i’m not sure that pattern ever ends). and the level of work changes as they get older. it’s not less, it’s just different. instead of having to tend to their needs every 1:30hrs (which means you don’t get to sleep or eat yourself) you might have to follow them around like a hawk (so they don’t impale their mobile selves) which means you don’t get to catch up on any DVR or junk food eating but you’re getting as much sleep as you could ask for so the trade off is worth it.

meanwhile you’re doing all of this, not taking note, and then one day you sit in bed and realize your relationship with your husband is FINALLY back! i mean, WHAT?? you had no idea in the beginning how much strain was on it those first 4 (6? 9?) months. you were just coexisting, partnering together to get through every single day but one day you suddenly see how bad things were for a while. it’s not that you didn’t love each other, or even get along, it’s just that you didn’t have time for your relationship. and you can completely understand why so many relationships go down the tubes once they have children - it’s ALOT of stress. even for the most relaxed parenting styles, even for couples who’ve never had to work at their incredible relationship a single day before the baby came, who’ve never fought - the parenting is all encompassing and your relationship falls by the wayside for a while to get through it. it has to, as much as you heed the warnings it’s inevitable. 

none of this is to say that having a baby sucks - indeed i would do it again a million times if it was a logical option.  having a baby is the most incredible thing in the whole world (sorry people who have chosen to never have kids i don’t mean to offend) and it’s worth every ounce of sweat you put into it (ALOT of ounces!) but it’s hard. it’s HARD. no matter how much you love doing it, no matter how the sacrifices and efforts don’t even feel like effort or sacrifice because you would do anything in the world for this creature so you just do it without thought.

i just want to remind myself that when you have a newborn it takes alot out of your life to get through that phase - and my experience is only with having one. so if i’m going to think about doing it again i need to read this over and over and remind myself that it’s going to be EVEN harder when i have a toddler to care for at the same time.

again, i’m not saying it’s not worth it, i just need to be realistic about my expectations and i need this refresher on how easy it seems but how much it really takes. 

finalnote: we always said we’d have 2 kids but once my first one came along i realized that i could stop there and have the most fulfilled life ever. still, there are days when i’m 50/50 on having another baby, days when i’m 70/30 for a sibling, and other days i’m 80/20 being done.  i’m partly afraid that when i do think i want another baby it’s because of all the awesome stuff (being pregnant, labor, shopping!) and not because i really want another kid, but then there are times when i can’t imagine having only one, when i feel as though i’m punishing him by not giving him a built-in best friend.  i’ve just never met anyone who voluntarily had one child, do those people exist?

who knows what we’ll decide in the end but i just need to read this every once in a while before making that decision.